What draws us to others? How are the connections formed? How far will it go and how long will it last? These, among numerous others, are questions to be delved into deeper in future blogs. The first steps though to finding peace within yourself regarding a relationship is to be sure what the boundaries are and to clearly define the relationships you are in. Although there is no way to fully put any relationship in a tidy little box, the diagram above at least gives a starting point to figuring out the dynamics of what you share with others.
The three main elements, or interests, are Love, Friendship and Sex. Is it possible to only have one? Sure. I have plenty of friends who are guys. Quite often the base attraction to someone or original relationship is Friendship. You can talk, you can enjoy each others company, either in small or large quantities. But there is at least a companionship or comaraderie with another person. It may end there and nothing go further. So it is possible to have JUST friendship; but usually at least 2 of the dynamics are involved. Nature tends to AT LEAST make us PONDER if it could progress further in a different direction. If there is a physical connection then it may lead towards sexual encounters.
If there is no romantic, loving feelings toward the friend then sexual interest may lead the relationship to become primarily a physical one. Is it possible to have a sexual relationship without feelings of love? Some people feel they personally could not do so. However many people would clearly say it's not only possible but a desired relationship to have. Then there are no strings attacted, no messy emotional dramas, etc.... solely the satisfying of physical needs with someone you genuinely are fond of and can communicate in a friendly manner with. Actually JUST satisfying a sexual need can be done even without friendship. If this were not possible then bars, clubs, nightspots, online sites and swinger clubs would be out of business.
Or the relationship could have LOVE and SEX but lack a basic element of friendship. I'd venture to say though that the "love" in this instance is probably leaning strongly more toward LUST and STRONG physical attraction that may make the person FEEL like it's love. My guess is that the majority of relationships that end in major blow ups and/or divorce often start with just these two. A strong physical attraction can trick a person into believing they've fallen head over heels in love. They may even love them as much as they know how. But without the 'friendship', the companionability, they will be hard pressed to keep it going after the red hot coals start to cool a little.
Love is a beautiful thing. Friendship is also. You mix the two together and it can be beautiful as well... even without the sex. Not everyone lives and breaths sex. Or are even compatible sexually. The media is rampant with stories of cheaters. Often these are people where one is interested in sex and one is not. Or they are just incompatible sexually. So they look elsewhere. Some people can make that work by allowing some sexual freedom for the one who desires it. But most people are too insecure for that. But if two people who had no interest in sex but loved the other person just as they were and had a great friendship with them as well, they could make a relationship work based on those two things. But more often the case is that it can get pretty complicated. Especially is one of them has more of the Love part and the other feels more the Friendship part. In time it could work out, but if they don't grow to have a similar level of both, it usually doesn't.
Of course then there is the "Dream". That's what the idealist believes can happen. Finding the correct mixture of all three: Love, Sex and Friendship. And Both people would feel a strong amount of all those things to come together to make a "Perfect Match". Ahhhhhh bliss! The goal is reached. All is beautiful. Heaven on earth! .... YEAH RIGHT! Only in a fairy tale people!!! It doesn't exist! There is No such thing as a 'perfect match' because there is NO such thing as a perfect person. How many people do you know that could fit in this category? I know of none. I DO know people who have made a relationship last a lifetime. Who didn't get divorced. But these people have other qualities they've had to use to create such an accomplishment. They learned early on that there is no perfect relationship and that it takes WORK. It takes commitment. It's never both giving 100%. Sometimes it's one giving more than the other. Or one having to stretch their patience levels or curb their anger or accept what they can't change. Nothing is perfect. This is a sad sad realization I've come to that my dream of 'my perfect match' is just that... a dream. I've spent years and had numerous failed relationships because, let's face it, I or he or we both just didn't have what it took. We weren't willing to do the work. And I'm single now and in no hurry to be in a committed relationship because I still haven't found the qualities or determination in MYSELF to meet those expectations. I'm still mourning the loss of my 'dream'. Silly immature me! Oh well... when I grow up a little more I might reach deep inside and see if I can find what it takes. In the meantime, I'll just have to settle for one of those other less than perfect connections. ;-)
I think that all relationships take work if they are going to endure. If people are in a relationship of any kind, it's because they've found something there that appeals to them. Whatever quality that may be, it takes some effort to hold onto the relationship that offers it.
ReplyDeleteI think relationships break down when people fail to realize that whatever appeals to them in a given relationship is inherently dependent on the other person. Or they are attracted to the other person without realizing all that comes along with them. Worse yet, people sometimes fall in love with themselves in a relationship while remaining basically oblivious to the other person and the circumstances. None of those scenarios is likely to last very long because that person will never grasp the reality of the kind of work that he/she needs to do to keep the relationship viable.
Even a highly dysfunctional relationship can last if enough work is put into it, but both parties have to bring something to the table. Maybe honesty, clarity, giving, and tolerance are the unseen qualities that factor heavily into that diagram.
You make some very good points Al. I gotta ask though. You said... "people sometimes fall in love with themselves in a relationship while remaining basically oblivious to the other person and the circumstances". You might need to explain that one to me. I'm not sure I follow.
ReplyDeleteMy point is that people sometimes get so wrapped up in their own feelings in a relationship that they lose sight of their partner's part in creating those feelings. I think it's easy to fall in love with one's own feeling of being in love. When that happens, there's not much real appreciation for the other person, and the relationship is almost certainly headed for failure.
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