Love, Lust or Lasting Friendship: Defining Relationships

If you are alive, you have relationships with others. It's inescapable, although some of us at times may wish we could escape. ;-)  Relationships comes in all shapes and sizes. However this blog is not going to focus on the multitude of relationships between families and friends. Let's focus moreso on the intimate relationships between man and woman (or m/m  f/f   if that's your thing).

What draws us to others? How are the connections formed? How far will it go and how long will it last? These, among numerous others, are questions to be delved into deeper in future blogs. The first steps though to finding peace within yourself  regarding a relationship is to be sure what the boundaries are and to clearly define the relationships you are in. Although there is no way to fully put any relationship in a tidy little box, the diagram above at least gives a starting point to figuring out the dynamics of what you share with others.

The three main elements, or interests, are Love, Friendship and Sex. Is it possible to only have one? Sure. I have plenty of friends who are guys. Quite often the base attraction to someone or original relationship is Friendship. You can talk, you can enjoy each others company, either in small or large quantities. But there is at least a companionship or comaraderie with another person. It may end there and nothing go further. So it is possible to have JUST friendship; but usually at least 2 of the dynamics are involved. Nature tends to AT LEAST make us PONDER if it could progress further in a different direction. If there is a physical connection then it may lead towards sexual encounters.

If there is no romantic, loving feelings toward the friend then sexual interest may lead the relationship to become primarily a physical one. Is it possible to have a sexual relationship without feelings of love? Some people feel they personally could not do so. However many people would clearly say it's not only possible but a desired relationship to have. Then there are no strings attacted, no messy emotional dramas, etc.... solely the satisfying of physical needs with someone you genuinely are fond of and can communicate in a friendly manner with. Actually JUST satisfying a sexual need can be done even without friendship. If this were not possible then bars, clubs, nightspots, online sites and swinger clubs would be out of business.

Or the relationship could have LOVE and SEX but lack a basic element of friendship. I'd venture to say though that the "love" in this instance is probably leaning strongly more toward LUST and STRONG physical attraction that may make the person FEEL like it's love. My guess is that the majority of relationships that end in major blow ups and/or divorce often start with just these two. A strong physical attraction can trick a person into believing they've fallen head over heels in love. They may even love them as much as they know how. But without the 'friendship', the companionability, they will be hard pressed to keep it going after the red hot coals start to cool a little.

Love is a beautiful thing. Friendship is also. You mix the two together and it can be beautiful as well... even without the sex. Not everyone lives and breaths sex. Or are even compatible sexually. The media is rampant with stories of cheaters. Often these are people where one is interested in sex and one is not. Or they are just incompatible sexually. So they look elsewhere. Some people can make that work by allowing some sexual freedom for the one who desires it. But most people are too insecure for that. But if two people who had no interest in sex but loved the other person just as they were and had a great friendship with them as well, they could make a relationship work based on those two things. But more often the case is that it can get pretty complicated. Especially is one of them has more of the Love part and the other feels more the Friendship part. In time it could work out, but if they don't grow to have a similar level of both, it usually doesn't.

Of course then there is the "Dream". That's what the idealist believes can happen. Finding the correct mixture of all three: Love, Sex and Friendship. And Both people would feel a strong amount of all those things to come together to make a "Perfect Match". Ahhhhhh bliss! The goal is reached. All is beautiful. Heaven on earth!  .... YEAH RIGHT! Only in a fairy tale people!!! It doesn't exist! There is No such thing as a 'perfect match' because there is NO such thing as a perfect person. How many people do you know that could fit in this category? I know of none. I DO know people who have made a relationship last a lifetime. Who didn't get divorced. But these people have other qualities they've had to use to create such an accomplishment. They learned early on that there is no perfect relationship and that it takes WORK. It takes commitment. It's never both giving 100%. Sometimes it's one giving more than the other. Or one having to stretch their patience levels or curb their anger or accept what they can't change. Nothing is perfect. This is a sad sad realization I've come to that my dream of 'my perfect match' is just that... a dream. I've spent years and had numerous failed relationships because, let's face it, I or he or we both just didn't have what it took. We weren't willing to do the work. And I'm single now and in no hurry to be in a committed relationship because I still haven't found the qualities or determination in MYSELF to meet those expectations. I'm still mourning the loss of my 'dream'. Silly immature me! Oh well... when I grow up a little more I might reach deep inside and see if I can find what it takes. In the meantime, I'll just have to settle for one of those other less than perfect connections. ;-)

"Reaction Exercise"

As emotional creatures we allow circumstances in our lives to dictate our emotions and moods. Logically we may know we shouldn’t however the majority of people are not disciplined enough to be able to consistently keep full rein on the feelings that overtake them. Those feelings/emotions could be positive or negative ones.

Nature tends to lead us to match our actions with our moods. When we are happy and content we tend to be more positive towards others. Whether to our family and friends or to total strangers we are more agreeable, friendly, compassionate and helpful.

However when our moods lean more towards negative feelings such as depression, stress, frustration or anger, we tend to project those emotions outward on others. As if we don’t wish to hang on to them alone we feel compelled to make others share those feelings with us. That’s when we lash out and hurt others. Or we are very disagreeable and complain alot. Or we withdraw from others and sulk or even punish ourselves by turning the anger and frustration on ourselves. In either circumstance, allowing negative emotions to control our behavior is extremely damaging. It hurts others and it hurts ourselves.

Focusing on the positive in our lives and sharing that positivity with others is naturally preferable to tormenting others by hurting them simply because we are dissatisfied with our own feelings.

There are those that we love that are often our targets during times of our inner struggles with negative feelings. To a passerby one might think there is a bitter resentment towards our loved one or a sincere lack of anything positive felt towards them. What we tend to forget is even though our loved ones may know or believe that we do love them, after awhile of catching the fallout of our emotional meltdowns they may begin to question in their hearts whether or not our love and concern for them has died. They may try to understand it’s just a momentary reaction to some inner turmoil, however hearts are more tender than the mind. If our negative outbursts come in any degree of regularity, they may eventually lose faith in what we SAY we feel for them. This could be in a relationship between spouses, friends or parent and child.

In all sincerity, what gives us the right to believe we can take out our own frustrations on others. They have a right to their own peace. As well as they have a right to expect some degree of decency from those who claim to care about them. So who are we to feel that those closest to us are our own personal emotional punching bags?

Does this mean we should instead take all our frustrations out on strangers? Of course not! Would you want some random stranger passing by you to unload a bucket full of crap on you just cause you were there and handy?

We all experience negative emotions from time to time. Some of us more often than others ... whether that be due to circumstances in life or just because we are naturally not very likeable people! If more people would stop and consider the thought that we should treat others in a way we ourselves would wish to be treated then maybe our world could be a better place. Maybe our homes could be more tranquil. Our jobs could be less tedious and our relationships more productive and positive.

So who’s responsibility is it? YOURS! MINE! EACH of us have that responsibility. Not ONLY when others treat us good but even MORESO when others dump on us. That’s when we can get our ‘reaction exercises’ more finely tuned. It has to start somewhere.

I for one really need to get a better grip on mine. Far too often I allow my own frustrations, bitterness and despair to flow out onto those I care about. Whether they had it coming or not. And for those who didn’t have it coming, I apologize. And to those who earned every bit of it, I still apologize for not showing you a better way to react than I did. It’s time for me to take back the power that negativity has over me and my reactions and try to find a better way. May take some work, but anything worth having always does.

He's Still Working On Me

I actually think of this song often that my kids used to sing in church when they were young. And due to an unexpected conversation today it brought it all to mind and the point behind it. God tells us not to judge others. Nor does it ever feel good when others pass judgement on us.  Although most all of us have been guilty of it, none of us have that right. Noone is perfect. Whether it be a Christian not living up to what's expected, or a partner who isn't reacting exactly as we think they should or a friend who let's us down when we trusted them, or a parent who is suppose to teach the right thing but still has alot of learning to do themselves. We are all just a work in progress. Hoping to be better but doubtfully ever reaching our full potential. Does that mean we are total failures? Not at all. Just growing........


Chorus:
He's still working on me
To make me what I need to be
It took him just a week to make the moon and stars
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
'Cause He's still workin' on me

Repeat Chorus

There really ought to be a sign upon my heart
Don't judge him yet, there's an unfinished part
But I'll be better just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master's loving hands

Repeat Chorus

In the mirror of His word
Reflections that I see
Makes me wonder why He never gave up on me
But He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray
Remember He's the potter; I'm the clay

(song written by Joel Hemphill)

Solitary Existence

We are each individually but one soul. A single soul chained to our solitude. Trapped under a spotlight that seeks to reveal our hopes and dreams... our ghosts and regrets.


Surrounded by others. Are they alone also or are they blessed with deep connections? One can’t tell just by looking. Appearances are rarely accurate at first glance.

Indeed, each of us has deep roots. Rich histories. Stories that may be known or may never be known to anyone but ourselves. Feelings that ache within us, needing to be shared but withheld from others because it’s safer to hold them close.

They see what’s on the surface. The face, the outward story, the evidence of life. But does anyone really know what’s within? The hopes, dreams and desires. The regrets, sadness and loneliness. The utter depths of despair? How can they when life must go on?

We move forward. Like blind shadows following a script. Barely taking time to acknowledge the existence and needs of others. Instead, attempting to accomplish our responsibilities. Floundering under our heavy load of expectations. Drowning in our ocean of sorrow and failures. Longing to know happiness but no longer believing it even exists.

We are intermingled with so many. Yet ultimately alone. Whether it be a result of circumstances or a personal choice. Ultimately we stand on our own. To face the choices. To ponder the realities and dreams.

To question who the soul is looking back from the mirror. Who is that empty lifeless face who seems to have no control over their own life? The happiness of others always taking precedence while the lifeless soul in the mirror trudges through the obligations, the expectations, the inconsiderations without feeling there is a right to complain.

Because who are they really? Anyone special? Anyone worthy? Anyone with a right to their own life? Or are they just the tool to be used for someone else’s happiness? Others who feel all is owed to them simply because they exist.

While others devote time, energy, and heart to the service of others. No rights to their own feelings without being condemned for daring to have any. Doomed to a life of servitude and damned to only dream of personal joy.

Surrounded by those who arrogantly take what they desire. Raping the hearts of those who love them. Self serving souls who have the audacity to believe they have a right to do whatever they wish.... everyone else be damned. Making choices in selfish haste with no regard that those choices will eternally alter the lives of others.

We, in our solitude of choice, wearily attempt to navigate the path of life. Knowing that none are without sin... that every soul is guilty of the exploitation of another at some point. Whether carelessly or intentionally. Leaving so many souls to feel desolate. Alone.

Making their way through the jungle of confusion. Contemplating the identity of the reflection in the glass. Is the reflection familiar? Or does a stranger live inside? How can we find the happiness we crave when our own identity is elusive? So we struggle forward. Alone. Lost. Without aim. Because inside our hearts we feel and believe that it’s entirely likely we don’t even exist.